Halleluiah

The mystery has been officially resolved. We have discovered the non-racist population of Alice Springs. They have elluded us for some time but this weekend gone by, we finally tracked them down. We came across this unique sub-species in the wilderness at Ross River.

They were congregating at what is called a "Desert Doof," headlining such bands as "Combat Wombat" and "Urth Boy." The Non-Racists adorn themselves in multi-coloured felt bead necklaces, their hair is often matted into thick strings and many of them carry dirty, naked screaming children around where ever they go. They often shout phrases such as "Fuck Bush."

Having discovered the Non-Racists, our next task was to infiltrate their ranks. On Saturday night we decided that if we were to blend in, we would have to take some extreme measures. These extreme measures took the form of wearing thermal underwear on the outside of our clothing and me pinning a half-finished hand crocheted beanie to my head (I prepared this earlier in the day, during a beanie making and bush tucker workshop, of course.)

Whilst our outfits seemed wild when we put them on, we were outdone almost immediately by three girls wearing cask wine bags as bikini tops with the nozzles over their nipples. Two of our team became dissuaded and headed back to the tent, defeated at 9p.m. But I stood my ground. I surveyed the crowd. I figured my best bet was the man in the black Betty Boop wig, who was foaming at the mouth. I successfully befriended him and procured myself an invitation to a vegan dinner party the following weekend. I congratulated myself on a job well done as I headed back to the tent at 3a.m. and was lulled into a restful slumber by the rhythmical hammering of trance music.